1) Hitch your wagon to a star and you'll vaporize instantly.

2) How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

3) Rome wasn't built in a day, but it burned down in one.

4) You can, in fact, teach an old dog new tricks.   But it's painful to watch it.

5) Just when you think you've got the world on a string, you find out it's your leash.

6) Intimacy inspires sensitivity, which encourages silence, which destroys intimacy.

7) When the earth was flat, we were linear. Now the earth is round, so we keep going around in circles.

8) Just because the eyes are the windows to the soul doesn't mean the mouth is the doorway to the brain.

9) It might be a lot easier to teach a nice person to be smart than to teach a smart person to be nice.

10) Behind every beautiful woman stands a man who no longer desires her.

11) Money won't buy you happiness, but it'll buy you a seat in the U.S. senate.

12) By the time the world is your oyster, you've developed an allergy to shellfish.

13) While you've been waiting for your ship to come in, the world has moved on to air freight.

14) If the right half of the brain controls the left side of the body and the left half of the brain controls

the right side of the body, that means that only left-handed people are in their right mind.

15) It's easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than it is for a middle-aged woman to fit into fashion pants.

16) More politicians would have ethics if they knew where to buy them.

17) If the world ends up going to the dogs, at least we'll all get plenty of naps.

18) In love, the call of the wild usually winds up with the crawl of the child.

19) If you wake up and smell the coffee, be thankful you have someone else making it for you.

20) What this country needs is a president who can speak his mind...in complete sentences.

21) If only nature didn't abhor a vacuum maybe our forests wouldn't be so dirty.

22) Cities and lovers always look better by night.

23) There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who wouldn't shoot you in the back for a million dollars, those who would - even if they hesitate for drama's sake - and those who would find someone to do it for them and split the money.

24) The only time life gives you a free ride is when you're a baby in a stroller.

25) It's the second kiss that counts.

26) Anyone who thinks evolution is wrong qualifies as a lower life form.

27) A society that doesn't take care of its children and old folks someday will have neither.

28) The greatest compliment you can pay another human being is to pay attention. ("What were you saying?")

29) It's a short distance from "more ironic" to "I'm moronic."

30) God can't answer your prayers if He's not there. And you wouldn't like the answer anyway.

31) We are the boondocks of the galaxy; our galaxy is the boondocks of the universe.

32) Never go to bed with a woman unless you've danced with her first.

33) We drink to forget, but we don't forget to drink.

34) Love begins just about the time you let go of all your expectations.